the crossroads

I'm having man-trouble, again. This time though, it's a problem of saturation & quality. Too many men, of questionable calibre, and not enough time.

The Artist: true to form, he's attempting to sweep me off my feet, shower me with presents, sensuality & creativity, while being unpredictable, moody, needy and unstable. AND he keeps really odd hours. With me starting grad school this week - that ain't gonna work.

The Lover: he's been admiring me from afar. Problem is, he thinks that since he's been admiring me (via this blog) from afar longer than we've actually interacted, he feels that he knows me. I want(ed) to tell him gently, that this blog is only a slice of my life/me, it may not be an accurate representation of who I am (or it may - who can say what he gained from it?). However, I'd have to remain interested to do that - and I've definitely lost interest in convincing him that the idea of me he has in his head, isn't necessarily me. If you read this, we had a fair shot, and we missed. There is someone else out there for you though.

The Geek: I'm not sure what to make of this one. He's attractive, but really geeky. And his mom is staying with him. After two relatively benign dates - I'm feverishly searching for some chemistry, and not finding it. Hmmm.....the haphanded passes at me aren't helping. Note to self: talk to him about the juvenile attempts at getting at me - we're both too old for the accidentally brushing against me...what is this, high school?

The Entrepreneur: I don't even know why I'm adding this dude to the list, except to illustrate a point. He's busy - sound familiar? Really busy. So busy, in fact, that despite myriad attempts on my part to meet him, we have yet to meet. He reminds me a lot of the ex in this regard, and I'm beginning to think that I enjoy the chase more than the conquest. He still assures me that he's interested, really interested, despite the fact that our schedules conflict. Yeah, right...oh and about that ex, the one that isn't really an ex...

and of course we have, JC: He called me 08/25/04 @ 12noon, and left a really simple message: "Hey, it's me. Don't you ever think that I don't love you. Aight, bye." The problem (I thought I'd explained this before, but it seems I haven't) is that he has issues. Financial issues, issues with his business, family issues, children issues - all typical stuff, but very dramatic, and some pretty tragic. I love him, and have been loving him for more than 3 years. He's been my best friend, my knight in shining armor, my confidant, my lover, my father, my brother, and my worst enemy. If the situation were different, and he asked, I'd marry him tomorrow. That's my heart's honest truth, as much as I can tell it.

However, I see him - quarterly...sometimes monthly (when things are good) sometimes semiannually. It's August, and while I have seen him within the last 30 days, I haven't spent more than 20 minutes with him since March 2004. We haven't gone on a "date" since 2001. We live in the same city, within 20 miles of each other, and I just can't conceive of how this happens. I've attempted to fix this as much as I can. He owns his own business, and is busy with work 7 days/week - in and out of town. I've tried to meet him at work, figuring a good 5 minutes would ease my frustration, and I am more than a little frustrated. To no avail. I feel like he's straight-armin' me - and I've told him as much - until he can fix his issues. Which is a little like plugging a damn with chewing gum. While I understand that he wants to be the man I deserve (the man he thinks I need) before he comes to me, I can't get him to understand that I need to be with the man he is, with all the issues, flaws, etc. I can't have the perfect person, not if we intend to do the "rest of our lives, together dance", because it will never be perfect...there is no perfect when it come to the rest of it, 'cept that we're together.

I've tried hard not to compare others to him, but that's almost inevitable. Why does that simple message give me butterflies? Why does that message thrill me more than the dates I've had with these other guys? Why am I still so hung up over someone who's not there? And how can I replace the one who was never there in the first place?

I need to make a firm and final decision about JC. But I can't. Don't want to move on without the next candidate, yanno? And again, how do I replace the one who was never there in the first place?